Hell yeah, time for Euphoria’s Nate Jacobs (Jacob Elordi) to play a little jazz piano. Hmm, are we sure this movie isn’t a comedy? He’s definitely horny for these snails, which he is keeping as … pets? Later, he is vehement about the fact that he doesn’t eat them and explains that you need to “starve” snails before you consume them, otherwise their innards will poison you. It looks stinky, cold, and humid in there. Vic has a whole greenhouse just for his snails. My favorite part is when she makes an annoyed face and pulls one of Vic’s pubic hairs out of her mouth. Ew, sorry - that is not my favorite part. New favorite scene alert! On the way home from the party, Melinda attempts to give Vic … road head. Except all he’s doing is spinning her around very quickly? I believe this is how Ben Affleck actually dances. Okay, now Vic is trying to make Melinda jealous by dancing by with another woman. What is this bizarro town? Who are these bizarro people? Wikipedia says “the small town of Little Wesley, Louisiana,” but I say … their neighborhood parties read like a gathering of swingers where no one is actually fucking. As is the dad from Lady Bird (Tracy Letts)! I’m having fun! So many fun cameos! Lil Rel Howery is here! So is Cher from the Clueless TV show (Rachel Blanchard). Uh-oh, do you feel that? It’s the urge to Google how old Ana de Armas and Ben Affleck are. Who allowed these character names? Trixie loves science, comedy, and the Leo Sayer. Vic and Melinda have a small daughter named Trixie. However, she’s bad in a way that is somehow not embarrassing? (Note: This will be the best acting I witness in the entire film.) We are ten minutes into this movie and Ana de Armas is already drunk at a party, making everyone listen to her play piano and sing. This is all you need to know about Joel aside from the fact that he is played Brendan Miller, whom you may know from such classic films as Accepted or In Time, that movie where Olivia Wilde plays Justin Timberlake’s mom. He has shoulder-length blond hair and, at one point, apologizes Vic for “remasculating” him. The first of Melinda’s boyfriends we meet is Joel. The premise of this movie, based on my cursory Googling, is as follows: Hot young wife is permitted by older husband to have boyfriends - modern! But those boyfriends begin disappearing, and the husband is the prime suspect - spooky! Likewise, Ben Affleck’s hobbies include collecting Dunkin’ in a moody way and loving the giant phoenix tattoo he has on his back. Vic’s hobbies include riding his bike in a moody way and collecting snails in a horny way. Melinda is married to Vic, played by Ben Affleck. In no universe does this woman look like a Melinda. Let’s start with the basics: Ana de Armas plays a woman named Melinda, which is the first unbelievable plot point in this film. I’d warn you of spoilers, but how do you spoil what is already rotten? “Smell this, it stinks so bad.” I am Deep Water’s target audience.īelow, every thought I had while watching Deep Water. I want to inhale garbage, gag a little, and then make you sniff it. Additionally, Disney pulled Deep Water’s theatrical release, something that could also be read as shorthand for “this movie is … not good.”įortunately, I am not mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically capable of consuming “good” media anymore. The movie’s stars have done little to no promotion for film, perhaps due to their breakup, which paparazzi documented as heavily as their relationship. On Friday, Hulu dropped Deep Water, the “erotic thriller” based on Patricia Highsmith’s 1957 novel of the same name. Photo: Claire Folger/ Courtesy of 20th Century StudioĪt long last, the cinematic souvenir from Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas’s brief-but-heavily-photographed relationship has arrived. Me contemplating the age difference between Ana de Armas and Ben Affleck.
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